More than 44 million adults in the United States are caregivers for adult family members, predominantly our parents. This can be challenging as we struggle to find the balance between caring for the people who raised us while continuing to hold jobs and care for our own spouses and children. When dealing with my own mother, who is 89 years old, I often find that we have experienced a role reversal; I am more like the parent in our relationship now and she is more like the child. This is an opportunity for me to give back to the woman who gave birth to me and raised me, sometimes under extremely difficult times, both emotionally and financially.
I believe that the way we care for our parents during this time in both of our lives comes down to one important factor - respect. They were respectful of our needs while we were growing up and we owe them that same consideration. I have broken down the aspects of this level of commitment and respect into the 7 areas that I make sure my mother enjoys as part of her quality of life.
- Respect for her age - It isn't easy being 89 years old. Many of the activities and daily routines she once enjoyed are now either not possible or extremely challenging. Simply changing a light bulb over the sink in the bathroom can become a potentially dangerous task. I make sure that these small chores are done for her before she attempts to do it herself.
- Links to her past - Most of the people my mother has been friends with over the past fifty years have passed away. She has only a handful of people with whom she shares common bonds. I made sure she visited her hometown several years ago so she could have a more recent link with the people, the businesses and the home she grew up in. We took many pictures and now she enjoys making photo albums and scrapbooks about these important events in her life. She also enjoys showing these pictures and other memorabilia to anyone who comes to visit.
- Finances - My mother still wants to do her own banking and bill paying. I have set up her account so that she has overdraft protection because sometimes she writes more checks than she has money in her account to cover. She does not want me to write checks for her to pay her bills so I wait patiently as she writes them out and has me mail them for her. This gives her the feeling of financial independence that we all need to have.
- Something for her to be passionate about - I want my mother's mind to stay sharp and alert for as many years as possible so I find things that she cares deeply enough about to argue for. In her case that is politics. We talk at length about politicians and issues. As long as she is angry about a political issue that she cares about I know that she is still thinking clearly.
- Her cat - It is a known fact that people who live alone are much healthier and happier if they have a pet. My mother's cat is getting older as well, but she is very patient with my mother. When I visit I make sure to pet the cat and acknowledge the cat's presence, out of respect to my mother. Having a pet gives my mother the feeling that she is still able to care for another living being; the cat is completely dependent upon my mother to have its needs taken care of and that is good for my mother to experience that sense of being needed.
- Nutrition and exercise - My mother refuses to wear her dentures so eating became a problem. I make sure that she has a wide variety of foods to choose from. She is always concerned about the cost so I don't tell her if I spend $5 to get her favorite tuna salad from the service deli at the grocery store. I make sure she has a supply of one of the liquid energy drinks that are full of vitamins, minerals, and supplements. I also buy pop-top cans and pouches whenever I can because using any type of can opener id difficult. Instead of buying large, economy sizes of shampoo, laundry soap, or other items I buy her the smaller sizes or I refill them at my house before I take them to her. When it comes to exercise, I walk with my mother for 5-10 minutes when I am at her house several times a week. She took a bad fall almost two years ago, and although she didn't break anything she is unable to get out very much. By walking very slowly with her she gets some exercise and keeps her body strong. Taking care of her cat is also helpful and a form of light exercise.
- Time and attention - I left this area for last because I think it is the most important in many ways. Remember how your parents listened to everything you had to say when you were little, the same way we listen to everything our own children say. I try to do the same with my mother. If she wants to tell me about the radio show she listens to every night, I sit patiently and attentively and take in every detail. This is important to her so I make it be important to me. Giving our elderly parents our time and full attention is the greatest gift that we can give them.
I thank God for every day that I have with my mother. Just as we can't get back the time when our children are little, we can't get back this time with our parents at this stage in both of our lives.
